A new year, another try...or a goodbye?

So I've kind of gone off Roller Derby.

Yes, I've said it. It is the saddest thing, but I've had to admit that my leaving RDRH has uncovered more than I wished for. I find I deeply miss the exercise -that I cannot fully regain due to my still recovering from the tailbone injury, which frustrates me deeply, madly- But I do not miss the group dynamics with particularly (yes, I am going to say it) women at all.

I also have had to admit I hold grudges. Even though I deeply wished I didn't. Though my decision to leave RDRH was fully and only mine, I still feel robbed. Robbed from my project, my love, my child. Robbed and betrayed.
And though I know that I cannot fully blame anybody else for the events that lead to my having to leave (yes having to, it really felt that way) I still secretly do. Not so secretly now huh?

It has come to the point where, whenever I hear my friend S. going off about Roller Derby, much in the enthusiastic, loving way I would have some months ago, I have to leave. It has happened twice now. I get up and go or completely zone out. I am hurt. Not by her enthusiasm, but by the realisation of what I've lost. And basically that is trust.
Wow, I just realised that now.

Anyway, the ADD ladies, who welcomed me so lovingly in my new derby home,  have been more than accomodating and they would have had a much easier job keeping my derby genes happy had they not been an hour -at least- of travelling away.

And due to lack of practice and the fact I am still seeing a physical therapist for my tailbone, I struggle with my weight. Another fight I never seem to win.
Seem.

For as hurt, sad and derby allergic as I may be right now, I am not one to give up so easily.

Today I picked up the pace on my training schedule, for if anything I am disciplined enough to kick my own ass out into the storm and get working. I signed up for the new Roller Derby Workout challenge. I will attend the open scrimmage my league organizes tomorrow and try to catch the derby bug again. I will be at Eroc and I've signed up for EMT shifts for this summers RollerCon. I will stick with it, even if it kills me, darnit!

But if after RollerCon I still feel my stomach turn whenever I hear someone bring up Roller Derby, I will quit. And get some therapy.

And probably pick up chess.

p.s. Opposed to what this blog entry might suggest, I am feeling pretty darn happy today. Really. :)